I had a busy Saturday. I did my taxes, went to the pharmacy, then to the bike shop to air up my tires; then I went to the *&#&%&^$))P@@*@*T^&^%&$Y$(# Chase Bank which, I learned at the pharmacy, had blocked my ^&#^&%&$# bank card.

I was VERY annoyed.

I asked the teller what was going on. She couldn’t tell me why, but my card had been blocked. She invited me to sit down, get a styrofoam cup of coffee, and wait for a banker.  There were two on duty and both had customers. What I did not know whilst sitting and sipping my crap cup of coffee with powdered creamer was that a moronic computer algorithm had blocked my card.

I was wasting my Saturday drinking awful coffee. This is the second time Chase had blocked my card.

After about 20 minutes of waiting, one of the two bankers leaned around his bloated and tattooed biker customers who were depositing a check from some lawsuit they won, and who were setting up a checking account, and a savings account to prove their commitment to saving by safeguarding some of their windfall by depositing $100 of the over $120,000 dollar check into a brand new savings account. All of this was taking FOREVER because they needed a cash advance on the check because they’d already spent a hunk of the money but the check was drawn on another bank and funds would not be cleared for 48 hours. The banker was kissing their hairy, tattooed, temporarily middle class asses and calling everyone in the corporate structure to get clearance to give them $400 cash.

He called in my direction with a chamber of commerce smile, “We appreciate your patience!”  I gave him the kind of death stare given to US diplomats by pudgy North Korean dictators.

The other banker was busy with some stupid young woman out window shopping for bank accounts. She happened to be passing by the bank and she had nothing else to do on this Saturday. I guess her empty gas tank of a life needed a little petrol. She was ostensibly there on behalf of her stupid husband (not present) who was looking for a place to start a bank account at about age 30 (not believable) and credit cards (believable). She wanted to know every detail and permutation about every type of account and credit card. The banker appeared to enjoy giving those details and even egged her on suggesting other considerations she had not thought of yet and which I am certain he made up but which encouraged her to stay in her seat. The vacuous woman left without doing a damned thing except promising to fill her husband in on all the details. I’m quite certain he will be too busy crushing Pabst Blue Ribbon cans on his forehead and screeching, “Get in the hole!” to give a shit.

My Saturday was slipping by and I was PISSED.

I finally got to the banker ZOMBIE who gave endless meaningless details about fictional bank accounts to the stupid woman; I told him I was UNHAPPY. But nothing phased this guy, he was non-plussed and grinned at me like he was hyped up on methadone watching “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

I described the problem and the banker diligently punched keyboard keys and gave his computer screen a look of tremendous consternation. He placed a call to the stupid people who blocked my card. His own bank put him on hold like he was a customer. We sat looking at each other like we were waiting for a toaster to pop for ten minutes. My stare caused him embarrassment, but it could have been the sulphurous yellow smoke rising from each of my ears. He focused on his computer screen and watched me obliquely commenting that it was unusual to be on hold for ten minutes. Not for customers.

He finally got someone on the line who wanted to talk to me so the banker handed me the phone. “Rocky” wanted to review my recent expenses even after I explained that I just reviewed them with the banker and there was nothing unusual. I told him that I had also reviewed them at home earlier in the day before the morons blocked my card.

Rocky and I went through the transactions one-by-one because Rocky’s protocol says that no matter how inane or stupid it is, or how much more time of their customer’s Saturday they might waste, they must review the transactions in the interest of fraud prevention.

After we reviewed the same transactions I had reviewed at home, and again with my Lithium grinning banker, I ask Rocky, “So which transaction triggered the block?” Rocky tells me it was probably the ATM transaction for $20. I said, “Really? You mean the ATM transaction I completed on the front of this building where I am sitting? The bank where I set up my account? The bank where I do my banking? This is the questionable transaction that triggered a fraud alert and placed a block on my card?”

Rocky offered, “We’ve had a lot of ATM fraud lately.”

Yo Adrian! So Chase Bank thinks that fraud protection equates to watching out for thieves who steal ATM cards with the grand felonious purpose of withdrawing $20 at the home bank of the card owner?

I ask Rocky if he does not think this is a little stupid? Rocky giggles but immediately reverts to the company line, “We take your security seriously sir.”